Should Sex Hurt?
Friend - listen up, I need you to know that sex shouldn’t hurt. Quite often there's a specific cause that is triggering the pain in your body. One common but treatable issue many women face is vaginismus which I’ll talk about in a bit.
I was so disconnected from my body in my 20’s and absolutely petrified to speak up for my needs in the bedroom that when sex was painful - I said nothing. I would lay there, silently suffering and praying that the experience would be over.
I recently had another flare up of pain during sex but thank the stars I am able to advocate for myself now.
Talking about pain during sex can be tough - like painfully challenging. It is completely normal to want to keep silent, especially when it comes to intimate relationships. Unfortunately, this means many common sex-related health issues don't get the attention they deserve and many of us are suffering without any external care to help soothe us. Experiencing pain or dysfunction during sex can strain relationships, make you feel insecure, trigger self abandonment wounds and seriously affect your happiness.
One of the most common - and under diagnosed - conditions is vaginismus. If you’ve never heard of vaginismus, keep reading! I’m going to nerd out for a minute and maybe help you identify how to ask your doctor if this is what you are experiencing.
What is Vaginismus?
Vaginismus happens when the muscles around the vagina involuntarily tense up or contract during penetration. This can make sex, inserting tampons or even gynecological exams painful.
While only about 5% of cases are officially recorded, it's believed that vaginismus is actually much more common because many cases go unreported. Female bodied individuals historically haven’t been researched and that has left us vulva having individuals frustrated, resentful and afraid.
Various factors can contribute to vaginismus, including stress, anxiety, infections, menopause, underlying gynecological disorders like endometriosis, or other physical changes in the body.
If you're dealing with pain during sex, you're not alone, and there are solutions out there.
Can Vaginismus Be Treated?
It sure can - however, it isn’t the easiest task. Treating vaginismus typically involves a multimodal approach. This often starts with four-six weeks of pelvic floor physical therapy, combined with either one-on-one cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or a mindfulness and meditation program.
A pelvic floor physical therapist or a therapeutic yoni mapping facilitator (like me!) can help address the muscle issues in your pelvic floor.
If you experience pain during sex and suspect vaginismus, I highly suggest talking to your doctor. The first step to a pain-free sex life is advocating for yourself and your health. Remember, sex should not hurt, and there are effective treatments available to help you enjoy fulfilling and satisfying sex life!
Tips to Treat Sexual Pain and Vaginismus
Diaphragmatic Breathing is going to be your best friend when you are experiencing pain of any kind. Your nervous system simply needs a moment to calm down and recenter. You can achieve this kind of peace by using your breath. If you consciously inhale through your nose, down into the depths of your belly and fill your whole torso up with air then slowly release - you’ll be actively providing your body with adequate oxygen for it to heal itself. Try to do 10 rounds of deep belly breaths when you experience pain and see if you can feel your body soften.
Dilators are a great tool for an individual who is experiencing consistent pain in their vagina. You will need to dedicate 15 minutes a day for a few months to start to feel the shift but creating time for yourself is also letting your body know that you care about it and that it is safe to explore. When you purchase a dilator set they generally come with a guideline of how to use them over time but you can also always talk to a pelvic floor therapist or shoot me a message!
Yoni Mapping has been a modality that allowed me to get full freedom from pain in my vagina and even uncover unknown pleasure spots! I became certified in this modality in 2021 because of its life changing effects. I treat this experience as extremely sacred - it is also therapeutic in nature, not sexualized. The Yoni Mapping experience is a 2.5 hour long non-sexualized massage of your body, vulva and vagina. During the mapping, I press on different points within your vulva and vagina to uncover pleasure, pressure, pain and numbness. Together we utilize breath, sound and movement to shift any stuck energy within your yoni.
I want to stress that healing this kind of pain is completely possible but it is imperative to work alongside someone who can safely guide you. Please don’t push your body to do something it isn’t ready for. Make sure to give yourself time to get curious and explore your own body - don’t rush the process.
If you would like to connect more on this topic - don’t hesitate to email me.
Are you looking for a space to explore your sensuality and sexuality but haven’t been quite sure where to start? Come along and join a community of other like-minded individuals in the Behind Closed Doors Membership.
